Slack Chat Rendezvous: Twitter, Punks, and Pornography

Jim Broadly

writers Slack Chat

This edition of Kaala Slack Chat covers social media, punks, and pornography, more or less in that order. I was forced to delete three-quarters of the text when these idiots eventually difted off into leftist talking points, and I don't communists a platform unless they've got a noose around their neck and I've got the lever in my hand. Oh, before I forget: you can follow Kaala on twitter as well as Audrey (aka Suzy Krueger), and if you decide you need more dumb bullshit in your life you can follow Aaron too.

Jim Broadly, editor in chief

aaron [8:07 PM] (editor, in a fight against time) Guys, bad news: it's Cyber Monday again.

jordan [8:10 PM] (Kaala Punk Outreach coordinator, in a fight against Japan Times) god DAMN it

jharrod [8:11 PM] (event coordinator, perennial fan-favorite) Fuck I hate Cyber Monday

suzykrueger [8:11 PM] (design director, stubbornly French) I hate it too. Also, all of you. Why does Jim make us do this? What even is "Cyber Monday"?

deepspacechris [8:12 PM] (photographer, nobody's favorite) Is that only a thing in the US?

jordan [8:12 PM] SHIT, FUCK

aaron [8:12 PM] Everyone shut up. Today's topic is Social Media, which I thought of because of this Being Tokyo twitter account.

jordan [8:12 PM] :: smashes fascism quietly with a dejected look on his face ::

aaron [8:12] So some random tokyo person has a week to use the account to post shit about tokyo. Even @matt did it once, which is why I followed it, but it's always the same boring shit

deepspacechris [8:13 PM] Just punch me in the face. I never ever look at tweets.

jordan [8:13 PM] Social media wise, it's mixi or nothing for me.

deepspacechris [8:13 PM] Mixi sucks

jordan [8:13 PM] Yeah that's the joke, Chris

deepspacechris [8:13 PM] What's on this twitter account?

aaron [8:13 PM] Cherry blossoms, cups of coffee, and random offices that all look the same. It's terrible. So should I a.) unfollow, or b.) request a week and completely ruin it until they kick me off?

jharrod [8:13 PM] "Ohhhh I'm in Tokyo doing Tokyo things! Sugoi!!!" Ruin it. RUIN IT

aaron [8:14 PM] Right? It's all trains and food and capsule hotels and dumb shit like that.

jharrod [8:14 PM] Take pictures of us drinking combatively. Which is super easy to do, since it's all we ever do.

aaron [8:14 PM] "Drinking combatively". Like, drinking in a way that will hurt others.

deepspacechris [8:14 PM] Pictures of food on social media are the most uninspiring thing ever to exist

aaron [8:15] Agreed. But it's every fucking week with these people!

jordan [8:15 PM] Actually, I started checking out NAVER's matome recently. Lots of cool stuff on there. Guess you can make some cash from it as well. Only Japanese as far as I know though.

jharrod [8:15 PM] And yes. Food is dumb. But tbh most of my IG posts are dumb as fuck too. Who gives a shit about shows and hipsters with Sakura pedals in their beards...

aaron [8:15 PM] It's all boring dipshits showing "their part of Tokyo" which is, surprise surprise, exactly like every other dumbass's Tokyo

deepspacechris [8:16 PM] Who gives a shit about what people think about Japan? I don't need to justify me being here.

suzykrueger [8:16 PM] Agreed.

jharrod [8:16 PM] Their Tokyo sucks! Only ours matters

aaron [8:16 PM] But is it because we've been here too long and don't know what westerners want to hear about Tokyo? That is...sort of something we ought to know about...

deepspacechris [8:17 PM] Hmm

jordan [8:17 PM] You guys have been here too long. Hah

aaron [8:17 PM] jordan's Bane voice I was born from the dark

jharrod [8:17 PM] Well if it's the same shit that's constantly plastered in my feeds, then yes we know what they care about and it's dumb and not representative of Tokyo anyways

deepspacechris [8:17 PM] And also consider the fact that Japan is just like any other place. It's a place to live. Who gives a shit what some dick thinks about sushi or convenience stores

jordan [8:17 PM] Westerners here are mostly yuppy scum or otaku. Who cares what they want.

aaron [8:18 PM] they ain't hipsters, half of them are professional people who honestly think that kidn of stuff is interesting, or at least think other people think it's interesting. Which is somehow worse. Are they right? Is that what people want to see?

jharrod [8:18 PM] Ugh professional people with "real" jobs

deepspacechris [8:19 PM] That's because they think they are being special or unique by coming here. It's not though, a million foreigners stop by Tokyo every day

jordan [8:19 PM] People love ego. Looking at others' gives them something to aspire to, I think. That's the only reason for that sort of poncey My Japan (tm) BS.

deepspacechris [8:19 PM] The worst thing I see are people that claim to have found serenity in Tokyo just because they eat stinky fish and walk around in Yukata robes

aaron [8:20 PM] Oh yeah Tokyo's totally serene. I want to punch every slow-walking dipshit in every train station I go to, and so does everyone else.

deepspacechris [8:20 PM] And then they make a post on FB about how they have discovered Zen

suzykrueger [8:20 PM] death to slow walkers. All of them. Guillotine for everybody

deepspacechris [8:21 PM] Haha

aaron [8:21 PM] la guillotine, so Fronch

deepspacechris [8:21 PM] @suzykrueger Didn't France use they guillotine until 1980?

suzykrueger [8:21 PM] We proudly did.

jordan [8:21 PM] You guys aren't going to put this on social media right?

aaron [8:21 PM] Of course we are, Jordan

jharrod [8:22 PM] We need likes

deepspacechris [8:22 PM] Jordan's 15 minutes of fame

suzykrueger [8:22 PM] Because people want to read what we think about what they think about what other people think about Japan? Hint: it's shit.

jharrod [8:22 PM] Nah, for the "likes" thing. The likes currency which will make us rich someday

aaron [8:22 PM] So, going back to the @BeingTokyo, I was thinking of posting nothing but pics of the homeless people I see in Ikebukuro or Shinjuku station or random puddles of vomit

suzykrueger [8:23 PM] Well there is already a instagram account that regroups people drunk and asleep somewhere in Tokyo...

jharrod [8:23 PM] That's actually a really good idea. Especially since I was just talking to a visitor at Infest and he was like "wow no homeless people!" And I got on my monocle and was like "well actually young man..."

aaron [8:23 PM] Or mayble I'll just post pics from the Nanking Massacre. I figure I'd get maybe two hours of that before I was locked out of the account.

deepspacechris [8:24 PM] But pictures of Sakura, a pair of wooden sandals and a decaying fish would make us more likezzz

jordan [8:24 PM] OK. Can we put this on pause so I can livestream myself walking through the station talking about mundane aspects on My Japan tm. for dirty casuals who will never experience the serenity of Tokyo apart from what they get in their eroge?

deepspacechris [8:24 PM] Yes please Jordan

aaron [8:24 PM] yes do that

jordan [8:26 PM] OK. Cool. Today I am going to talk about why conbini are like totes cool and the food in them is "the bomb." Next time, I am going to livestream me dropkicking this salaryman giving me extra shoves on the Namboku line.

deepspacechris [8:26 PM] Oh, and how awesome it is that you can buy socks and batteries in the combines. That's just so amaaaazing

aaron [8:27 PM] Actually, I've bought dress shirts from 7-11. That is awesome, I won't hear a word against 7-11

suzykrueger [8:27 PM] ...

aaron [8:27 PM] I wore that same shirt this week.

jharrod [8:27 PM] 7-11 is king of kombinis. It's totally amazing.

deepspacechris [8:27 PM] I've never bought a dress shirt in my life

aaron [8:28 PM] Wait, really? That's probably because you come from the socialist paradise of Norway

jharrod [8:28 PM] Chris stop rubbing it in

jordan [8:28 PM] You are out of line, sir.

deepspacechris [8:28 PM] @aaron yes. We only wear grey workers clothes in Norway.

aaron [8:28 PM] where the nationalized oil industry grants each citizen nearly a smooth million bucks

deepspacechris [8:29 PM] I wish. But at least we have free health care. Very few combinis though...

jharrod [8:29 PM] Ugh Norway suckssss

[8:29] No kombinis

jordan [8:30 PM] Social media in Norway is all about pickled herring, pajamas and fireplaces.


jharrod [8:30 PM]

I am! I got a Go-Pro on. I am talking very loudly about how my life changing meditation experience at a totally old school Rinzai Buddhist temple. And chatting to you guys too.

aaron [8:31 PM] Where'd you steal that go-pro from, Jordan

matt [8:32 PM] (Kaala Founder, made of radiation) woot I made it

jharrod [8:32 PM] Ohayou @matt

aaron [8:32 PM] HEY-YO

deepspacechris [8:33 PM] Hey Mattie

aaron [8:33 PM] big cheese inna house

deepspacechris [8:33 PM] Chief Strategist Ketchum

aaron [8:33 PM] Matt we were talking about the Being Tokyo twitter account and how I could ruin it. Also Jordan stole a Go-Pro and used his crinkled ape-hands to somehow operate it.

jordan [8:34 PM] I hit it with a rock as one of the other apes did, and picture move good now

deepspacechris [8:34 PM] All punks steal.

aaron [8:34 PM] That's what makes me respect punks. I worship the god of thieves and liars, and Punks are his children too. His dumb, stunted children, but still.

jharrod [8:35 PM] It's not stealing. Its appropriating labour back from bourgeoisie.

jordan [8:35 PM] Punk is love.

aaron [8:36 PM] punk is trying to puke off a bridge into a passing convertible.

deepspacechris [8:36 PM] I like punks because I don't like anybody else

aaron [8:36 PM] If you drive a convertible bmw, you deserve to have someone puke into it unexpectedly. That is the world I want to live in.

jordan [8:37 PM] We are changing the world, Kaala... one social media post at a time!

deepspacechris [8:37 PM] I actually puked in a convertible once

jordan [8:37 PM] Naw.

aaron [8:37 PM] yeah, but you were riding in it at the time.

deepspacechris [8:37 PM] Nah, it was parked and I puked in it. Drunk, walking home, 16 years old. Dunno who's car it was.

aaron [8:38 PM] @matt if -- just speaking hypothetically -- if I were granted control of Being Tokyo, what would be the best way to ruin it for everyone. I'm tired of seeing the same boring shit every week.

deepspacechris [8:39 PM] @aaron by posting pics of salarymen peeing in park and flashing their dicks to kids, because that's what they do in Shinjuku Central Park.

aaron [8:39 PM] Jesus, Shinjuku. Get your shit together.

jordan [8:39 PM] Can't hear over my very loud voice describing a really funny My Japan (tm) anecdote, Chris.

aaron [8:41 PM] Back to the Social Media kick, I've noticed that punk bands are the hardest to put into the database because they have so little internet presence.

jordan [8:40 PM] Punks don't twitter.

matt [8:41 PM] Its funny, I remember talking about proto-Kaala with a design friend years back, and he was all “Nah man, that won’t work: everyone already does this ‘unique Japan’” thing. And you guys said earlier that its a bunch of business people who genuinely believe that “their version” is true, and interesting, and real. Shit, I even worked for a photo gallery called “My Japan”.

jordan [8:43 PM] Hahaha MATT IS A DIRTY CASUAL!

matt [8:43 PM] I’d argue what you say about the biz people is true. Especially the older folks.

deepspacechris [8:43 PM] Lol I even got selected to have one of my pictures in the "My Japan" book. Spent lots of time on it, and then suddenly they decided not to release the book after all

matt [8:43 PM] hahaha, yeah thats right isn’t it

aaron [8:43 PM] I follow a couple of tokyo people, right now my favorite tokyo account is Shogganai. Hot Takes on Tokyo News.

matt [8:43 PM]. Yeah, he’s good.

aaron [8:44 PM] he had a good joke about how deep the Oedo Line is, and I'm all like "how does nobody understand that the Fukutoshin is even deeper?" Every time I'm climbing the six miles out of the Fukutoshin I pass the Oedo a few floors up. Higashi Shinjuku: perfect example.

matt [8:45 PM] I think it varies from station to station, but last I heard the Fuck You, Toshin was deepest.

deepspacechris [8:45 PM] The fukutoshin is deeper?

aaron [8:45 PM] Yup. Shibuya Station: the F-you train is the deepest.

deepspacechris [8:45 PM] In Shinjuku station the oedo line is so deep it's terrifying.

matt [8:45 PM] I am, by the way, an immense fan of the Fukutoshin. And I strongly dislike the Oedo.

gneidisch [8:46 PM] (aka Jorge, videographer and caramel angel) Fucking Toshin?

matt [8:46 PM] JORGE!

aaron [8:46 PM] OH SHIT Jorge joins the party

jharrod [8:46 PM] Whooooooaaaaah Jorge is here

gneidisch [8:46 PM] Ha ha! Fully back

matt [8:46 PM] A New Chellenger Enters The Ring

jharrod [8:47 PM] I never take Fukotoshin. Oedo when I have to head to Roppongi

aaron [8:47 PM] Fukutoshin rocks. Granted, I have to climb out of the center of the earth once I arrive, but still

gneidisch [8:47 PM] Oedo is expensive and has the same jingle everywhere.

aaron [8:48 PM] oh man I love the jingle on the Seibu Ikebukuro line, it's straight up "Little Red Corvette" by Prince.

deepspacechris [8:48 PM] To be honest I don't really like the subway too much. Long escalators sucks because I'm so scared of heights that they make me nauseous

deepspacechris [8:49 PM] Oedo line trains are way too cramped and small

[8:49] Claustrophobic shit

matt [8:49 PM] You know, @aaron, I do still have a @TokyoTrainThoughts twitter account

aaron [8:49 PM] no shit? we'll have to include it in the liner notes

matt [8:49 PM] I kind of used it like the subreddit r/showerthoughts. I dont use it right now because I’m not in Tokyo

jharrod [8:50 PM] And that would be lying.

aaron [8:50 PM] oh wait, I do remember you one day wanting to suplex a salaryman into a toilet. Man, commuting in this city sucks so much I'd rather spend two and a half hours on a bicycle every day than in a train. You know, I hear stories of people waking up super early, having something called "breakfast" and drinking coffee, taking a shit before work. It sounds amazing.

deepspacechris [8:51 You don't shit before work??

aaron [8:53 PM] hell no, I ain't got the time for that!

deepspacechris [8:56 PM] I used to take 2 shits before work when I lived in Tokyo. That's what stress and booze do to you.

aaron [8:58 PM] hey where'd @suzykrueger go? God damnit all this poop talk scared her away again, didn't it! God damn you, Chris, we're supposed to be discussing SOCIAL MEDIA. Now Suzy's gone and I'm assuming @jordan is bouncing off the walls of some train station with a Go-Pro stapled to his head.

suzykrueger [8:59 PM] wat

gneidisch [8:59 PM] Taking a pee or something?

matt [8:59 PM] Unacceptable.

aaron [8:59 PM] No one pees at Kaala. Half of us don't even have genitals.

suzykrueger [9:01 PM] anyway, twitter is great to fire shit at people you can't talk to usually. And watch porn. There, I talked about social media.

deepspacechris [9:01 PM] You watch porn on twitter??

suzykrueger [9:02 PM] I follow mostly pornstars.

deepspacechris [9:02 PM] I never really thought about that. Mind blown

aaron [9:02 PM] any porn star worth their salt has a serious SOCIAL MEDIA campaign going on, including twitter

deepspacechris [9:02 PM] Vids too?

gneidisch [9:02 PM] Hm... Sasha Gray, has she got a twitter?

suzykrueger [9:02 PM] She does! She also has instagram, but she is all boring now. She retired like 8 years ago.

aaron [9:02 PM] You can see big ol' dicks or tits or whatever you want on twitter

gneidisch [9:03 PM] Tim Krueger too..?

aaron [9:03 PM] Sasha Grey doesn't seem like an interesting twitter personality

deepspacechris [9:03 PM] I'm all for looking at dicks on twitter. Should make an account

gneidisch [9:03 PM] Boy, I will start following a couple of porn stars.

suzykrueger [9:03 PM] Owen Gray, for instance.

aaron [9:04 PM] I'll vouch for Owen Gray.

gneidisch [9:04 PM] Tim Krueger, but to each his/her own :blush:

deepspacechris [9:04 PM] I still like Peter North. Talk about cum. He could fill a cookie jar.

aaron [9:04 PM] God damnit Chris, can you not go twenty minutes without talking about cum

At this point Chris and Aaron spend 45 minutes arguing with each other. The rest of the team leaves, and the chat logs become tainted with bile. Only the last message was suitable for printing.

aaron [9:07 PM] ah hell it'd work better as a competing account, "Being Osaka" or something.

matt [9:07 PM] Teing Lokyo



Teing Bokyo

Well, always go out on a laugh, they say. -- Jim Broadly