Slack Chat!: Shinjuku Bars

Jim Broadly

Extreme music Long Form

Below is the first attempt by Kaala staff to do a simultaneous chat review of various Shinjuku bars using the popular platform “Slack”. The effort was doomed from the start for reasons that will quickly become apparent. Needless to say, we’ve been contacted by various bar owners in Shinjuku and none of these child-men will ever be allowed back into any of the listed establishments. -- Jim Broadly, editor-in-chief

AARON (editor, Kaala Radio producer, mildly drunk at 7pm): @channel c'mon and let's do the bar review chat. RIGHT NOW YOU CUCKS. Jordan, you said PSY kicked you out for bringing a bad atmosphere. Jharrod, you said an Italian guy tried to suck you off at Dusk 'till Dawn, I’m not sure if that was a positive or a negative review but I definitely heard you say it. Chris, you've...been to GODZ at least three times, I'm told.

JHARROD (writer, researcher, also mildly drunk): I've never been to Dusk ‘till Dawn, but I wouldn't turn it down.

AARON: have you been to PSY? Let's start there. I started going years ago because someone told me it was a music bar, and they did let me request music, and I did meet some women there which was originally my primary motivation in going. But it's the kinda place where, if your drink is empty for longer than thirty seconds, they start pestering you to buy a new one. Also a Norwegian dude choked the shit out of me there, but I kinda deserved it so I don't hold it against him.

JHARROD: PSY is the place near the robot restaurant right?

JORDAN: (newest member, tallest of them all, punk with unblemished skin): Yeah. The dude there said I was being loud and annoying because we kept shouting out requests. The whole exchange lasted a couple of minutes, but I was a bit surprised to be told I was ruining the atmosphere of a rock bar. Good job me? Before that everyone was always nice to me even if they kept me at arm’s length for whatever reason. Communication is difficult I suppose. In the end, punks shouldn't go to metal bars. We have a sense of humor that uh, metal heads, lack...

CHRIS: (Kaala photographer, Norwegian, has just finished drinking thirteen beers): Lol@PSY. I hate the fucking place. So much in fact, that I ****** all over the ****** **** and laughed when people slipped when entering the room. True story.

AARON: Jesus fucking christ, Chris

JORDAN: Typical Millennial move...

CHRIS: This should be in the review though heh

JORDAN: It is. This is the review. Right now.

JHARROD: Entitled millennials.

JORDAN: The ********** there was alright. Save for when some Euro-trash ******* all over the ***** and I slipped in it.

JHARROD: lol Chris got called trash.

CHRIS: haha I'm Euro-trash alright.

JORDAN: Still though, in PSY's defense, most of the people that worked there and that I met were alright. Just takes one asshole to sully one's opinion really...

JHARROD: Better than Ameritrash I guess. I've only been to PSY once, if it's even the place I'm thinking about. Seemed alright but I was only there for a few drinks

JORDAN: GODZ is alright I suppose. I'd go there again if I had to, but it wouldn't be my first choice. Why go pay a ton of cash to drink beer and listen to mp3s with neckbeards when you can go to show?

JHARROD: GODZ is alright, but the red lighting is too much

CHRIS: But GODZ hates Mayhem, and so I hatez GODZ

JHARROD: But they played NxD and Pig Destroyer when I requested them.

CHRIS: That's cool enough.

JHARROD: But GODZ isn't bad. Just the lighting really gives me a headache after awhile. I wish Thrash Zone was in Tokyo instead of Yokohama. That's the kind of place I'd go to often

CHRIS: Yeah trash zone rules

JORDAN: GODZ played some Bad Brains for me. So I'll give em a "Ehh... They are OK, but the konbini is better. Wait, “trash” zone? Is that a diss?

JHARROD: Can't beat house craft beers. Plus the place is unpretentious in presentation. It's like a neighborhood bar, just with metal and flyers all over the walls. It's the kind of place you stop by at for a few after a long day of work to decompress

CHRIS: Well, I've been to Godz like 3000 times. Got me laid and got a wife, but I still hate it because they hate Mayhem and Mayhem is kinda awesome

JORDAN: #issues

CHRIS: #cock

JHARROD: Only trve kvlt black metal applies.

JORDAN: I'd check out Thrash Zone. All I know is metal bars in Tokyo. I know there are a few punk bars, but I've never bothered to go to them. I've drank a can outside of Hair of the Dog while talking to some Mexican punks that were in town, but other than that I haven't bothered.

AARON: Thrash zone ain't in Shinjuku, fool. Unless I'm greatly misinformed. Stay on target! What about Mother? I've taken dates to Mother. It's a good place to take dates, you can sing along to music and nobody seems to mind

JHARROD: I've never been to Mother. Are we only talking about bars in Shinjuku?

AARON: Yeah, let's keep it in Shinjuku for now. At Mother you pay 700 yen for a can of Asahi and occasionally have to listen to some a-hole’s terrible music, but otherwise I'd go there before GODZ or PSY. Big Time used to play old rock n' roll records from back when black people made rock n' roll, but they stopped that years ago

JHARROD: Shit. I've literally only been to GODZ and PSY in Shinjuku.

AARON: They still occasionally host events, and you can still get a healthy amount of whiskey for 500 yen, but last time I was there some dude I've never even met told me I was an asshole and a terrible person. I was like "who the fuck even are you" but the bartenders dragged me away before I got a response. Still, easily my favorite bar in that area.

JORDAN: Big Time is fun. I enjoy hanging out with H**** (bartender at Big Time) there. We talk about all sort of political stuff. I just can't get over the fucking mosquitoes everywhere.

AARON: Yeah the bar staff at Big Time is great. They've never been anything but super nice to me. H**** did once threaten to sic some yaks on me, but I owed her 200 bucks and anyway she probably wasn't serious.

JORDAN: Wat

AARON: She's mostly a real nice gal. Jharrod, you’ve never been to Big Time? I should take you, it's a fun place even if the music is really hit or miss. Folks there are usually super friendly, I do NOT know what that asshole's problem was the other night.

JHARROD: Yeah, I've never been. Where in Shinjuku is it?

AARON: right between kabukicho and shinokubo

JHARROD: Oh word now I definitely want to go. Near where they did the Kappunks earlier this year? Loft, etc.

JORDAN: Yep.

AARON: keep going north until you hit that big street, and yep

JORDAN: It's right over by Urga.

AARON: but yeah, everyone on the staff is super nice, everything's cheap, and the regulars are usually pretty nice folks.

JORDAN: I might be wrong, but I think Urga is no more...

JHARROD: Ah I know the area then. Something to do over the New Years holiday if you're in Tokyo

AARON: I'll be around. Chris, have you been to mother? Zothique's root lay within that tiny basement bar. Good band, good folks.

CHRIS: Mother is alright. I love the staff but the music selection is sparse. I'm a bitch though. Big Time rules Shinjuku, but, too much Michael Jackson.

JORDAN: haha, just got an invite to an event at Big Time from H**** two seconds ago.

AARON: haha me too. Anyway, I've heard of Urga, but I've never been. What...is it

JHARROD: I can attest Zothique is good.

AARON: Urrrrrga. UrGAH!

JHARROD: Urga is the sound orcs make when you slay them with your axe of brutality +666, but also a venue.

JORDAN: Urga is/was a very small venue. Some of the Kappunk sets were there. I don't remember where I heard that it shut down...maybe at the last kappunk.

JHARROD: If I recall correctly, I saw Wolfgang’s Japan tour there.

AARON: my "axe" is the swinging arm of a paper cutter that I tore off from the base, a la 1998's The Faculty, starring Elijah Wood, Josh Hartnett, and Jon Stewart's severed head.

JHARROD: That just reminds me of Tromeo and Juliet.

JORDAN: WGJT :heart:

AARON: Geez, you guys and your Troma. Dusk 'till Dawn used to do decent DJ sets and play some fun metal, but after the owner died (god rest his soul) things kinda went downhill. It's another bar that won't tolerate anyone not having a drink in their hands at all times, but also won't tolerate someone passing out.

JHARROD: Well that's just ridiculous.

AARON: Even PSY will let an unconscious man or woman sleep it off until dawn.

CHRIS: Dusk ‘till Dawn used to rule but after Yokoyama died it became shit beyond shit

At this point, Chris’s typing becomes a mostly unintelligible mix of English and Norwegian, and what I was able to discern was not fit for print -- he called all of us “cucks” and made several insulting remarks about Finland and Finns in general based on the shape of their skulls, which I’m forced to assume is some bizarre feature of Scandinavian territoriality. In the interest of avoiding giving offense to our readers, I’ve skipped ahead in the transcript. -- Jim Broadly --

AARON: Christian, NO. NO. That is NOT OKAY.

CHRIS: lol fuk u

AARON: Jesus god

JHARROD: Kaala should say fuck this and open a bar. We can get shitfaced while working!

AARON: Matt (Kaala founder, angry man) and I had an idea for a bar/venue called "Electric Horse". I'd do FoH he'd do BoH...that's as far as we got.

CHRIS: What’s the theme? Electric Wizard and horse meat?

AARON: Star Wars, duh. All service staff would dress as Han Solo, pistols included.

CHRIS: PSY loves Finland for some reason.

JORDAN: Jesus, not this with the Finns again

AARON: This was a mistake. Shut it down. Shut all of it down.